Leadership and Followership

How does this morning's message apply to our lives as women in marriage?  Tim referenced marriage as well as other leader/follower relationships as he was building a case for biblical roles in the church.  I found Tim's definition of a follower is helpful:  "Spiritual followership is embracing those who are called to lead you to wherever God wants you to be, by sharing their vision with loving honor, joyful affection, ready obedience and humble service, all in devotion to the Lord."  

The key phrase:  "all in devotion to the Lord" gives us the motivation to follow a husband's decision either when there is sin in our own heart, or sin in the husband's heart, or when the husband doesn't have perfect insight or omniscience or access to all necessary information.  We follow a higher leader than our husband.  We follow God.  In God we put our trust.

But what happens when a husband and wife cannot reach agreement on a decision?  I have been helped by this excerpt from Man and Woman in Biblical Perspective by James B. Hurley.

Headship and leadership most often involve initiative rather than command.  There are however, situations in which differences come between a leader and those who respond to him or to her.  These can often be resolved by communication.  For Christians in such situations there is the added guidance of Scripture and the peaceful work of the Holy Spirit.  Prayer and Scripture have their place alongside talk.  Our sinfulness, ignorance and sheer diversity will nevertheless still lead to situations in which differences are not resolved and in which neither side is willing to yield to the other.  In marriage, such situations can be severe crises if the situation is such that a decision must be made even if there is not agreement.

The Scripture is the guide for faith and life in the Christian home.  A husband's authority in the home is derivative:  as a servant of God, his authority comes from God.  He is, therefore, subject to Scripture in all that he does, and has no freedom to guide his family in ways, which contradict it.  Should he clearly do so, individual members must follow God before man.  The example of Sapphira's willing sin and personal accountability makes this clear (Acts 5:9).

There are, however, other situations, not involving contradiction of biblical teaching in which husband and wife, even after discussion, prayer and consultation with other, remain irreconcilably committed to different courses of action and are not prepared to give way for the sake of the other.  There need not be many such cases, but in a fallen world there will be some.  In them, the responsibility of the husband to lead and of the wife to respect his initiative requires her to yield to his decision.

The manner in which such situations are handled is crucial.  The husband may not be high-handed and stubborn, knowing that she will finally have to give way.  That is not the model of Christ's headship.  Neither may the wife be grudging and resentful.  That is not the manner of our response to Christ.  In the last analysis, when the two can devote no more time to individual and joint seeking of the grace of God to permit them to come to one mind or to be willing to yield to the other, an exchange along the following lines is in order:

Husband:  'Not because I am inherently wiser or more righteous, not because I am right (although I do believe I am or I would not stand firm), but because it is finally my responsibility before God we will take the course which I believe right.  If I am being sinfully stubborn, may God forgive me and give me the grace to yield to you.'

Wife:  'Not because I believe you are wiser in this matter (I don't) or more righteous, nor because I accept that you are right (because I don't or I would not oppose you), but because I am a servant of God who has called me to honor your headship, I willingly yield to your decision.  If I am wrong, may God show me.  If you are wrong, may he give you grace to acknowledge it and to change.'

Such decisions must be made.  They can be steps of commitment to God which cement a relationship and assure both partners of the other's loving commitment. They can alternatively be times which show sinful abuse.  The sort of commitment outlined above can be used to preserve the dignity and honesty of both partners by setting matters in their proper context.

How does your heart and mind respond to this?  Did you read the part about discussion, prayer and consultation?  I have found over the years that many (including myself) have created sparks in the marriage when the process is short-circuited by not including these three key elements. But even with these in place, the disagreeing wife must follow the leader.  

More tomorrow.