"Perception is reality."
It's a phrase we hear often enough. How does it apply to modesty?
My perception of the appropriateness of a particular piece of clothing often becomes my reality. It's cute. It's in style. The color looks good on me. Really good. So that becomes enough for me.
I've learned it's best to have at least one other set of eyes check it out before it's a go. This is often my mom. She and I have developed quite a system and it makes shopping, well, a breeze. But as many of you know, my mom doesn't live around the corner, or even within driving distance. She's a plane ride away.
So I've also learned that I have to make reality come to life in an effort to override my perception if necessary. I think about the things that I do every day and the movements I make (I have a toddler, so there's a lot to think about!). Then I test out the clothing by doing those very things in the dressing room. I bend over. I raise my arms. I squat. I sit down. T-shirt, jeans, sweater, skirt, it doesn't matter--everything has to pass these tests or it doesn't come home with me.
It's not over when I leave the store. I get home and do the same thing again. The lighting is different, and there's a little more room to move around. And the ultimate safety valve is there: my husband. Not only is he another set of eyes, he's another set of eyes on a man. We all know that men and women see things differently. And when it comes to clothing, a man's perception is reality, whether we like it or not. Don't have a husband? Your dad or your brother or your son can fulfill this role for you.
Modesty takes a bit of work, but in the end it's worth it. We're loving our brothers in Christ when we take the time to dress appropriately. More importantly we're loving Christ. And he gets the glory.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
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12 comments:
This is a really great and pretty easy way to put modesty into practice and I'm going to adopt it. Thanks Brooke!
Great practical advise Brooke and something which can be easily praciticed by all...with a little or a lot of humility - depending on the heart.
When I read your statement:
"And when it comes to clothing, a man's perception is reality, whether we like it or not.",
I had to stop and read it 2-3 times asking myself, "Is that true?"
Please don't misunderstand, I get what you are saying and it's not about liking it or not.
If I assume that the "man" being spoken of is godly and true and above reproach, then I could surely concur.
However, because of what I know for sure to be true, from my ministry and work and life, the statement is more along the lines of true, "IF" and "WHEN".
Simply because, not every man who claims faith in Christ has a trustworthy perception in the area of clothing...and even if he is a godly brother, his perception of reality will always be based on how he defines modesty.
He may or may not have eyes to see. In other words, he may have genuine "blind spots" himself.
Just a thought....
In Christ Love,
sdpaul
I'm thinking I'd like to use portions of the modesty blogs for a publication I am working on for work.
What do you think?
sdpaul
hm, thanks for your thoughts stephanie. and for taking the time to think through your response :-)
to clarify in simple terms, if a man sees your clothing as immodest, I think that's generally indicative of its immodesty. You are right in that they may have blind spots--in fact, I know of godly husbands who allow or even ask their wives to dress less-than-modestly (for whatever reason). Clearly that is an area for growth.
But in general, a man's perspective on your clothing--most especially that of your husband or father--is the best indicator of whether or not it is modest. They often see things that we don't because they look at women differently than we do.
Does that make sense? Sorry if I was not clear originally, and if I'm not clear now either... I will try to explain better if need be!
Sounds ok to me Stephanie... might check with the other ladies too.
Excellent Brooke!
Hey Brooke, thanks for taking the time to respond.
As a side note though, I think this blogging thing is kinda cool! ;)
One of the things I get excited about is when a group of believers, who are mostly
like-minded can have dialog in the context of mutual love and respect...even if/when there may he differing perspectives.
Anyway, what you said absolutely makes sense and just so ya know, it really needed no clarification. :)
...oh, and you certainly did not need to apologize. ;)
I'm just a soldier in the army of God seeking to keep the main thing the main thing.
In my initial response to your blog, my desire was to simply offer a perspective, as the original statemant I referred to was in itself, very broad and general in stating that a man's perspective "IS" reality.
I'm pretty sure we are on the same page in this way: as men "in general" tend to be sovereignly wired to be visual (most especially as it relates to the female form) they (our husband's brothers, etc.) are often the best source of input in seeking an opinion regarding whether or not we are indeed wearing any apparel that could possibly incite lust in the EYES of a man.
I say EYES intentionally because I have read things in the past from other sources on modesty, that would SEEM to put on a woman the burden/responsibility for what COULD take place in his HEART.
For example, a woman who -out of necessity- may carry her shoulder bag across her chest was encouraged not to do so because she might cause her brother to stumble.
Why? Because the strap of her shoulder bag cut across her breast in such a way as to accentuate it. Therefore, she "should not" wear it that way.
When I first read that I thought, "Seriously?! DO you know how many things could fit that category? Hmm, like a plain ol'
t-shirt!"
Above and beyond, we are to seek in any and all areas of life, to live in such a way as to honor God. First and foremost seeking His heart and His wisdom, trusting and knowing, that by the power of His indwelling Holy Spirt we will do all AND whatever is up to us to do to live at peace with all men.
I hope that gives you a better glimpse of my heart from the point of growth thus far in my walk with the LORD.
sdpaul
Hey Brooke,
As I'm busy about my daily tasks this morning another question just came to mind.
Is there a plan in the future to discuss the subjuext of modesty from a female perspective?
In other words, I know that women can sometimes struggle with the "visual" and/or more often than not, it can be with the fact that a brother is friendly and kind and may unknowingly be stirring within her emotions which could be challenging for his faith-sister to del with, all because he paid some extra attention to her.
Without a doubt we are GLORY TO GOD wired differently and as modesty is an issue of heart, I was just curious as to how far you are planning to go with it.
sdp
Brooke has given us some excellent practical help. And it is always encouraging to read of women who are eager to learn and grow in this area. It is also encouraging to have sisters share this burden.
It is no secret as to what goes on in the mind of a man when it comes to looking at women. That is why women are used for marketing, and why Hollywood does what Hollywood does.
It is often a surprise to Christian women, though, that Christian men still struggle. It seems to many women that men should be completely sanctified in this area. But just as women still need sanctifying in certain areas, so do they.
So, what would love do? Love would seek to serve. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.
I've often heard people use the phrase, "It is what it is". Well, I wonder how long Christian women will wrestle with this issue before coming to realize, "it is what it is" and just accept it. As sdp said "men in general are sovereignly wired" this way. They are wired this way for a very, very good purpose. Sin is what has brought about the distortion of God's very good design.
I think when we, by the grace of God, get to a place where in our hearts and minds we can accept the fact that Christian men still do struggle against lust, we will come a long way toward loving our brothers as we should. And when we get to this place we will be open to the specifics of how to dress, walk, talk, greet, etc.
I think that anything that draws attention to the sexual parts of a woman's body is a problem for men. When a word is printed across the backside of a woman's pants, it is intended to draw attention to that part of her body. This I think is true for many t-shirts with words printed across the breast.
I am sure many women wear these clothes (especially the t-shirts) rather innocently. But when we are made aware of the problem they present for guys, we have a choice to either selfishly where them anyway, or serve our brother and wear something else. I guess it would fit into the "weaker brother" and "stumbling block"category of Romans 14. What might be ok to where in the privacy of ones home may not be ok to wear in public out of love for our brother.
I don't think a woman who wears a shoulder strap across her breast is intentionally trying to draw attention to herself. But, if a woman learns that this could be a problem, then she again has a choice as to what to do with that. And, I think, in large measure it is a matter of how a woman is carrying (or presenting) herself.
Both men and women bear a responsibility before God in this area. I'm so glad the men in our church receive repeated exhortations to guard their minds and hearts and to honor their sisters in Christ. They need to keep hearing this, just as we need to keep reminding ourselves of this.
What can I say? There is always something else which can be added or said as Gayline did so thoroughly.
I know the issues of my heart that I wrestle with. I know from whence I have come and therefore, I can hope and know that He will complete the work in me/in all of us that He has begun.
I guess what most troubles my heart is there always appears to be a "but".
To use the shoulder bag example and then say "but"...well, what does that mean?
If I happened to be that woman and it was brought to my attention, and I didn't make a change, would it only mean that I wasn't demonstrating love to my brother?
What would love do? To tell you the truth, I don't know for sure.
I know what I would do...and thus, I'm sure I'd be judged as not serving my brothers.
This topic comes up often in my work and ministry and there have been some interesting discussions, most of which end without perfect agreement.
With all my heart I am seeking to honor God by giving the best Biblcal advice I can to women from a wide variety of backgrounds. In that regard I covet your prayers for wisdom and insight.
In addition, pray on my behalf to hear His heart loud and clear.
"In my heart there is a stirring..."
No if's, and's or but's about it!!
sdpaul
Take heart dear sista. We are all in this together and we do all struggle together. Just this past weekend my husband adjusted my top which was angled off center which I guess appeared to be a bit immodest or close to it. Anyway, I must confess I was offended. I mean, after all, who could ever accuse me of being immodest - right? WRONG!! Even if my clothing was not immodest, in that moment my heart was not humble. And humility is at the heart of modesty.
There will always be those areas of question. But let us always, always be governed by the clear teaching of scripture and the law of love. We do not ever want to veer off into legalism.
Thanks for sharing so openly sdp.
Love you gs...and that will never change.
sdpaul
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